CAN. NOT. BE. BOTHERED. BLOGGING.

Ah, this was so much easier when we lived in Japan... to give you all little titbits of interesting. Now-a-days, it's a bit more of a struggle. But that said, it's still worthwhile to reflect on the journey, and to give those of you who don't want to play facebook an opportunity to follow the life and times of Em and Tom.

But I really can't be bothered going into too much detail, so I've decided to write some dot points.

Job

• Tom's got a job now. It's an admin support role. It pays well enough and it's for 6 months, so we're pretty stable.
• I finished my first contract/trial period for the Executive Assistant role. I'm now doing a 6 week contract as a Policy Officer in a different work unit of the same department. After I finish that, I'll go back to the Executive Assistant role. I'm feeling pretty blessed and happy, because I got to have the opportunity to do something more challenging, but I also get the security of going back to my old job. Life is good.
• That said, both Tom and I find our admin roles pretty annoying. People do not treat their admin support staff very well a lot of the time, and take the piss asking you to do things that they really shouldn't ask you to do.
• We both got through to the shortlist from the Victorian Public Service Graduate Intake Scheme. Very pleased with ourselves, and we hope to be employed full-time as a grad by next year. If not, it's back to the job hunt for me.

Thrall

• Mixing for Vermin to the Earth is completed. We're just waiting for Arts Victoria to get back to us about a grant we went for to help us pay for the mastering process. I hope we get the grant, because it will give us an opportunity to put together a very cool package for the next album, and get some new promo photos done and ask Janssen to make us another one of his awesome film clips. If we get the grant, we will be mastering in July. If we find out we didn't get the grant, we'll master sooner.
• We played a show at Bar Open. The show was OK, I suppose, but not one of our greatest. Just felt like the wrong vibe for us that evening. I think it might just be better if we kept our focus on doing one or two good shows rather than doing lots of shows.
• I have booked the venue for a Sydney show with Creeping and Erebus Enthroned. We're thinking of adding one other to the bill. It's going to be rad, and I'll start promoting it as heavily as I can as soon as I have the Melbourne show sorted out (which is proving to be a bit more difficult to sell our pulling power to potential venues).
• Black Jesus and Thrall show in Tassie at the Brisbane. Will announce that shortly too.
• We have some labels in mind for Vermin to the Earth. Shan't say too much, but it's going to be gooooooood!

Everything else

• When we drove back from Sydney after that 40ºc day, the car sprung an oil leak. I topped up the engine oil on the drive back. What I didn't realise was that it wasn't the oil wasn't coming from the engine. It was coming from the gearbox. The other day the car just fucked out and wouldn't go into gear. Had to get towed. Need a new gearbox now. Expensive times...
• I cut my arm on the edge of a mirror in the bathroom and had to have stitches. Don't worry, it's healed well, the stitches came out last week, and it was not near any nerves or major arteries or veins or anything. So, all in all, it was merely expensive. And just when I didn't need any more expenses.
• I bought Tom a dolphin swim for his birthday, because it was the most rare and unusual gift I could think of. I also got him the Hellhammer/Celtic Frost book "Only Death Is Real" because I'm a real nice wife.
• Tom got some new jeans and they look really good on him.

OK, can't be bothered writing more. Tune in next time for the continued adventures of T + E...

Uncertainty and certainty

I've not posted for some time now. I suppose it's the nature of where I've been at for the last couple of months. Day in, day out, day in, day out... even when there are things worth reporting, my heart has been in a bit of a low ebb. Just not feeling the joy. I miss Osaka a lot of the time, and I miss Tassie... Melbourne's been grinding me down a bit. 6 months in, it's almost time to find out how I really feel about being here.

So, the job I was offered just before Christmas came through (yay!), and I am now working as an Executive Assistant in the same government department as before. I guess they must like me. No end date means I can rely on my income being fairly stable (given that I'm paid by the hour and don't get paid on public holidays). It's good. I've applied for one permanent full-time job recently, but if I don't get it, I won't be too worried. We won't die.

But Tom's not been working much, and I've been having to pay double rent. It's a strain. And I've managed (though fiscal discipline) to pay off the credit card that got run up when neither of us were working over the Christmas break, but it's left me in a sort of pessimistic kind of mind-space. Working and not feeling like you get to enjoy the spoils is pretty depressing. On the weekends I have been having trouble even getting out of bed. Just feeling lethargic and negative.

I often think of the nature of place, and I wonder if I'll ever find a place where I will feel like I can thrive. Is Melbourne going to be that place? I'm not convinced.

So, things other than my refusal to move on weekends:

- Tom's been swimming and doing weights whilst job hunting and has whittled himself down to a very fine profile. I have been doing "trial offers" at a whole bunch of gyms. Annoys the hell out of the gym sales staff when they realise that they'll never be able to turn that into a full membership, but hey, you want to do a trial offer, you've got to expect some tyre kickers.

- We went to the zoo the other weekend. I saw lots of cool snakes and fishies and monkeys. I liked the lesser panda. However, whilst I was taking a photo of some giant tortoises having sex (funny!) a rather large insect landed on the hand that was holding the camera. And so I had a reaction to flick the insect off my hand, and accidentally threw my camera quite forcefully on to the pavement. The insect was unharmed. The camera, however, did not survive. Goodbye camera #3.

- We played at the Sydney Armageddon Festival.

It was rad.

We got pulled in when Arkheth were unable to play. We didn't get to be on the colourful poster I'm afraid. However, we got to meet some really interesting people, make some good connections for future shows and so on. Lots of people attended. It was a pretty big show. I didn't think we played especially well. The mix didn't seem to work very well for the first couple of songs, but the mixer got it toward the middle of the set and we thrashed it out well enough. We made enough money to cover our transport and still have $2.50 each at the end of the day. Which, considering we're independent musicians, is a fucking miracle.

Sydney fucking loves its black metal. Who would have thought?

Leigh flew to Melbourne on the Thursday night and we took turns driving up to Sydney on the Friday morning. We drove back on Sunday. The car's not been running as well as I would have liked it to. Annoying. On the Saturday during the day it was 40+ºC so we went snorkelling. I saw some cool urchins and little fishies and big fishies. It was great. If I lived in Sydney, I'd go to the beach all the time. Melbourne's not got enough beaches, and it sucks.

We're sort of unsure about being here - if the money's not coming in, it kind of defeats the purpose of living in Melbourne. Melbourne's got gigs to go to, and art to look at. Melbourne's got fashion and shopping and whatever. But if you've got no money then all of that means nothing. If you're not able to afford to go to the gigs, what's the point of living in a city that has gigs?

I think Tom and I want to live here for a few years, save some cash for a house and move back to Tasmania. I miss being able to live among the trees. I've been doing some sums to try and figure out just how much we can throw into our savings when we're both working again. See how it all goes, I suppose. If I live in a shack in the bush, at least I can enjoy the bush. And maybe get a dog. I'd really like to have a puppy.

That'll do for now

OK, I felt last time I posted like something had got to give. And something gave. I'm not over the moon, but I'm not under the train. Christmas time, and we give thanks for small miracles and pray for those bigger miracles to come. Another year over, a new one just about to begin, it is an easy time to reflect on the accomplishments of the last year. We were in Kanazawa this time last year, driving around in the snow. We played those last three shows in Japan, worked at ECC for the first few months, flew back to Sydney, then worked in Hobart for those months, mid-year, moved to Melbourne in August. Played shows all along the way, went to New Zealand for our first overseas tour in November, played multiple shows in Melbourne and Hobart, and here we are. No wonder I'm weary. It's been a big year.

So, New Zealand! Wow, what a beautiful place! Just flying over the South Island, I felt the power of the landscape deeply, volcanic rocks thrusting skyward, cool air tumbling down the snow capped mountains... my Tasmanian soul identified with these extremes. Green fields, rich soil, fresh air, clean water. Christchurch felt like Hobart - be it, with earthquake damage. An inviting, quaint little town with a decidedly English feel. We wandered through the gardens, and strolled around the streets. The weather was pleasant and sunny on the day we arrived, but on the day of the Thrall show, sleet and rain set in, and the cold weather proved an adequate deterrent to keep a fair few potential punters at home. We met Marko, James and Scott of Creeping at Al's Bar fairly early in the evening, and my oath, those guys are cool fun. I would gladly hang out with those heads any time. The show went well, Tom and I played hard, fast and loud. Got a few new friends from the experience. Those that did show up had an awesome time at the show. It wasn't a big show, but it rocked hard, and everyone who made it to the show seemed to dig our vibe. I'd be happy to do it again. Any time Christchurch, any time...

Creeping and Thrall got on the plane the next day for a snoozy flight to Auckland. Maria and Sarah met us at the airport, and we quickly got about catching up for the last five years. Maria was a superb hostess, and plied us with delicious home marinated olives and excellent beers. We then headed down to the venue for the show, The Whammy Bar. Wicked venue! Awesome organic dark beers galore, friendly staff, laid-back vibe. Totally loved playing there aside from an annoying pylon in the middle of the stage.

One major drawback was that Pacific Blue lost my kick bag on the way over. So I had no sticks, no kick pedals and no merchandise to sell at the shows. The bag turned up the day after the Auckland show. Apparently they'd delivered it to the wrong address the day before, and if they'd got the address right, I'd have had my stuff for the show. Instead, I ended up getting to carry it around but not use any of it. Nice one, Pacific Blue, you pack of wankers.

Verdict: Playing gigs in New Zealand is COOOOOOOOOL. I'm of the opinion that Thrall will be returning to NZ in the summer of 2012... yessss... we'll try make that happen, yeah. Any time Creeping want to come to Oz, we'll line it up on this end, yes-sireee! NZ/Tas

We came back to Australia, and I went straight into a new job. Executive Assistant to the General Manager of the area I had been in before. I felt like I was just starting to get my head around the job just when I finished it up, but those three weeks were pretty cruisy, so I was happy enough to just get some cash. I lined up a couple of weeks of work with Fiona for Tom and I to work at the Energy and Water Ombudsman just until Xmas to fend off the poverty, but going back to a call centre based position was just a reminder that we don't want to do that kind of work any more. But some happy news happened whilst we were there. I was contacted by the guys I'd been doing the Executive Assistant job with, and they wanted me to come back to an Executive Assistant position on a longer term basis. Like, a review date, yes, but no end date. So that means that next year, I don't have to look for a new temp job every couple of months. So I'm feeling like the pressure is off a bit. It doesn't start until the second week of January, so I have to be careful with my spending a bit until then, but it does mean that I will have a job next year. I'll apply for the 2012 graduate intake in the Victorian public service, but that will take some time to happen, and until then, I'll just sit in and grow some moss around my toes. Sounds like a nice thing to do for a while.

After we came back from New Zealand, we felt like we were walking on sunshine with the band. It's so nice to headline and be the out-of-towners. We then played the worst gig of our careers at the Lithuanian Club, a gig so disastrous that we lost $66 per band. It was a truly miserable state of affairs. Then we did another gig at the Espy the next week, which was a benefit gig. At least with the Espy gig, we didn't expect to make money, but we weren't especially chuffed at paying to play for two gigs in a row. That kind of malarky for two gigs in a row is enough to put our little band in the red quite quickly, and we need to pay for some new merch and mastering Vermin to the Earth soon, so we're quite keen to do some proper paying gigs and piss this paying to play shit off, for good!

(For the benefit gig: to the kids in Haiti, I don't begrudge you your orphanage. Sleep tight, kids.)

Other than that, Thrall's going OK. We're not selling anything much at our end. But we've run out of M size t-shirts so that tells me that someone must have been moving. We're writing the Aokigahara Jukai EP that we'd been planning, and my ex-student Kunihiro translated a poem for me to do as a spooky ghost in Japanese. It's gonna be creepy as.

Somewhere in that time we had dinner with Dave Scully in the lightning and rain with his nice lady and her nice kid. Retrieved the banjo Dave had been looking after for me for a few years. Went off and sold it a couple of weeks later and used the money to buy a work desk. I like the desk way better than I liked the banjo.

We also had dinner with Zoe and Michael just before they moved out of the old house and into the new. Fun times, also.

Had fun times with Monte Pemberton getting drunk in the park and being eaten by mosquitos. We swung on the swings, and swang on the monkey bars. Parks are awesome. I recommend them for drinking fun any time in the dark when it's not raining. They're not so fun in the rain. Saw Tsui Chan the next day at the house of Haig. T'was fun.

Went down to Tassie for a show on the 23rd of December, and dovetailed that with seeing the family down there for Xmas, which was nice. I got a cold for Xmas, but even that didn't manage to dampen my spirits too much. The show was an awesome success on several levels. Tom played fill-in bass in Ruins. Lots of cool old heads turned up from many years ago, I saw Dan Cross and Mark with red hair in the street, Chris Arnou-Clark, Luke Ray, Matthew Barnes, Andrew Tanner, Duncan Robinson, Miles Brown, Stewart Lawler, Nathan and Sooz, Leigh and Elissa, Dave Scully, Sam Greener, Ingrid and Alex, Byron Wardrop, and lots of other cool people who I've probably forgotten to mention. Had a nice chat with Gibbo and Casey at the far end of the bar in the afternoon, and felt happy that The Brisbane continues to be a venue that not only exists, but always seems to be improving. Keep it up fellers.

Other than the show, I got to have fun times with Gwen and Marina, Tom's Granny and Grandpa, Winnie the sister-in-law, some randoms from Dodges. Proper meals were enjoyed with Leigh, Elissa and the ever increasing in size Archie, and Jess, Sam and the sleepy Lucas. So many babies. At least, a lot more than I remember there being about a year ago. Rachel and I went wading along the beach but it was too cold for a swim. Then we went to Ziggy's Smallgoods and bought fists full of delicious Polish chocolate and Rachel read me all the names and told me what they meant. Had Christmas lunch at my Great Uncle John's house. Rowan and Cassie got married on Xmas eve. Had a sleep in the car at the top of the mountain. Had a barbecue at Marina's. Very busy days.

Back to Melbourne now, hanging out with Tom and Dave, we're a funny household without the girls. I slept off my cold pretty quickly. I like to hibernate when I'm sick. Dave, Tom and I tried going to the zoo today, but found out it was $24.60 to enter per-adult. And that just seemed a bit too steep for us. So we went and bought a moderately priced carton of beer and saved at least $20. And I think we might grill some meat and have a beer this afternoon. Nice.

It's been raining non-stop this November and December. The grass has been growing faster than we can keep it mowed, and the days where it doesn't rain are one in five, or maybe one in seven. I've never seen Melbourne so wet in summer. It's quite peculiar, and I wonder if it has anything to do with that climate change I've been hearing about so much.

Anyway, that's what we've been doing for the last couple of months. Next year I'd like to: (a) get the car serviced, (b) go for a drive down the coast with Rachel, (c) get into the graduate program, (d) buy a new drum kit, (e) make enough money to pay my taxes, (f) master Vermin to the Earth and have it put out on a cool label, (g) watch Tron 3D, (h) buy a new computer for the studio computer and record Aokigahara Jukai, (i) buy some new shoes for work.

That'll do for now. That's a lot of writing, and I'm getting distracted by the box of beer. Hope that you're all having a good time this holiday season, and you get to watch Tron 3D or something like that in the New Year.

Permanency

I don't want to sound like the typical Generation X-er, belly-aching about getting a raw deal, but I gotta say, I can't help feeling like if I had been born 30 years earlier my life would have been easier. The prosperity, high employment rates, career stability, real estate prices, blind self-belief in relation to parenthood, unfettered access to welfare support, and vertical manoeuvrability that the Baby Boomers enjoyed. I would have liked some of that. I really would have.

Sometimes it's hard to tell which parts of my life path have been chosen by me or for me. Being born in the year I was born to the parents I was born to, I am not eligible for the UK passport that most of my cousins enjoy. Europe was an unattainable dream. To this day, I've never been there. Moving out of home at 18 so that I could attend university, digging myself into debt through the Student Supplement Loan so that I could afford to live in housing that was of an acceptable standard. I didn't do as well at university as I could have. Looking back, for the first two years of university I didn't really know how to study properly. My study habits were sporadic, undisciplined, and unfocused. By the time I had learned how to study, I already had earned myself two years worth of average grades when I should have been excelling. My father died, and the ensuing self-destructive depression that accompanied my mourning took years to come through. I acted like a jerk, drank too much too often, but I didn't know how to access mental health services that would have helped me through that time. My honours year was a debacle, unhinged by an unsupportive supervisor. Upon finishing university (and I think this happens to every student to an extent) I was directionless and lost. I tried getting government jobs, but had no luck. Turned away by graduate intake programs, I ended up debt collecting in Melbourne. When that job threatened to do my head in, along with the floundering relationship that I had come to Melbourne to pursue, I arranged to go to Japan the first time. I wasn't running to Japan, I was running away from what had happened to me. Japan is the only place where I have had a stable income, a stable job... and in many regards, I think my great affection for the place is based largely on the economic stability that I enjoyed there. It's the only place where I have ever had the opportunity to make plans and know that I could go through with them.

When you go through university, there is this tacit idea that you are setting yourself up for a career. When that career doesn't eventuate, the anger and bitterness starts to set in. When you end up working in administrative support for people who did the same degree, but just had luckier upbringings: stable households, supportive middle-class parents, less financial stress - sometimes it's hard not to feel like someone's rubbing your face in it. Raw talent is nothing without perseverance and focus. Learning how to focus and persevere is a lesson that I feel like I am continually having to learn.

Six years after my first flight to Japan, twenty temp jobs later... I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stuck on the outside looking in at the prosperity and happiness of others. I want permanency. I want the opportunities that come with being able to plan further into the future than one or two months. I want this craziness, all this, to end.

Look, I'm sorry about this post. But I just don't feel like I can do happy faces today. Applying for jobs always makes me miserable. I've applied for at least 50 full time permanent positions over the last six years, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. If I put in for jobs that are too low for my experience level, I don't get them. I assume it's because they think I'll leave. If I put in for jobs that are a bit above my level, I don't get them either. I assume it's because they think I won't be able to bridge the gap. And you can never really anticipate what the rest of the field is going to be like. In Tasmania, an over-abundance of over-qualified people applying for mid-level jobs created a paucity of opportunities for someone like myself. The employment market in Tassie is awful. But even in Melbourne, nothing seems to match my experience and education level. How can you succeed in life if there's no avenues of opportunity? I've done my best, given the resources and experiences I have, and I've got nothing to show for it except an accumulating sense resentment and alienation. It's gotten to the point now where I am starting to experience anxiety symptoms, especially at work. I'm easily upset and cry at the drop of a hat. And that's no good. No one wants a temp that keeps having to run off to the bathroom for a little sob. The pressure of perceived expectation and reputation building adds to the overwhelming pressure and feeds back into the anxiety loop. Sometimes I feel like I'm cracking up.

The list of things that I can not do because of the lack of stability in our incomes is long and sad. I can't buy real estate, or get a mortgage. I can't get a gym membership because I don't know if I will be able to afford it next month. I might have to cancel my private health insurance. I can't offer my potential children a life. My savings may soon be gone, just paying the rent and eating. I haven't been able to afford to go to the physiotherapist for the last month, and so my knee injury is worsening again. I can't take my car to get serviced (it doesn't need to be serviced until February, but I'm concerned that I won't be able to afford to get it serviced then either). Living from week to week in a cycle of job applications and rejections, it has started to get into my head, and destroy my self-esteem. I feel timid and unworthy. I haven't been able to stand up for myself when I should have, I have been saying "yes" with my mouth, when my heart has been saying "no." The anxiety worsens...

I need a lucky break. I need to start making my own luck. But in a negative cycle, it's hard to get out. There is a certain amount of optimism required just to apply for a job, and after so many rejections, the well of optimism begins to run dry. Every hope that you pin on an application is a disappointment waiting to happen. It's hard to keep committing scarce resources to an avenue that doesn't seem to be bearing results. It's hard to keep submitting yourself to a process that seems destined to fail. It's hard. Sometimes I just want to give up.

Sometimes I think about my situation and remind myself that my lot isn't so bad. My friend Belinda lost a child last year. A little baby. I don't know the details, but Belinda's little girl had been pretty unwell since she was born, and was in and out of hospital for the entirety of her short life. I only know from watching the facebook status updates. And one day she just passed away. So unfair. After Belinda and her husband had fought so hard, the little baby they'd cherished so much and sacrificed so much for was just plucked away. No reason, no rhyme, just plain unfair it is... I think about their struggle, and I feel like such a douche for complaining about my lot in life. I've not suffered at all compared to what they've lost. They're often in my thoughts, even though I haven't seen them in the flesh for a very, very long time. It's a reality check. If I know anyone who deserves a lucky break, it's Belinda.

Maybe this is the only permanency we will ever really know in life: the permanency of death. The death of loved ones and the absence it creates. From my father, to Belinda's baby... only never is forever.

People say glib shit: "life only throws at you what you can handle." I'd just like to say: that's bullshit. Life throws stuff at you that no one should ever have to deal with. Life is unfair and asks too much of some people, and nothing of others. People say glib shit: "you make your own luck." That's bullshit too. Sometimes your luck makes you, the person that anyone becomes is partly born from the circumstances they find themselves in. People say glib shit because they don't want to hear it anymore. They're busy with their own problems. A heightened level of interconnectedness between people results in an overload of emotions, people screaming into the Web 2.0 void. We are all too much for each other to bear.

Trying to find a path in life that is not dishonourable and soul-destroying - trying to find a path in life that is fair... stuck between letting life wash over you and trying to make your own destiny: what is a good way to live your life? What should you do when it feels like there is no point? These questions... there's no easy answers... I wonder what life is like for people who don't think about these things? It must be nice to be ignorant sometimes...

I'll tell you about New Zealand and Thrall and other stuff in another post. For now, I'm just going to go back to looking at job websites and try and find those last little bits of optimism to throw at these potential employers. I'm sorry to be a big whinge-bag, but sometimes life gets you down. And you know, it's all part of being human. It's a long and winding road, and sometimes you find yourself in a place called "here" in a time called "now" that you hate. The next step in the journey is the question; and after feeling like so many steps have ended up being the wrong steps, it takes a lot of courage to make a decision about what to do next.

I'm going to go have a cup of tea with my friend Fiona this afternoon. Maybe that will supply some solace, clarity, and perspective? Tea often helps.

Tumbling rain

It rains a lot here. I wonder if it rains more here than it does in Tassie? It's good when it rains because it's very dusty in Melbourne a lot of the time. Washes my car for me. Softens up the ground. Rinses the washing. That kind of thing.

So it's raining again today, and I thought I should probably tell y'all about the last few weeks since our last update. It's been an intense time.

The trip to Tassie for the Zeni Geva show... I hardly know where to start to tell you about that one. I was excited about it, that's for sure. After getting Mr Kishino down before for the July Thrall/KK NULL show, I was super pumped to be playing with Zeni Geva. In the days before the show, things slowly began to unravel. The show was supposed to be on Thursday 30 September. On the Sunday before the show I was contacted and asked to arrange the "backline" (instruments for the touring band to play for those of you who are not touring musicians). It was well hard! I don't live in Hobart any more, and people generally don't have great gear in Hobart. After a few emails and phone calls, I had it all pretty much arranged. Then on Wednesday the promotor said that he didn't want to come down anymore, and could I look after the whole show. I felt like "this is unusual, but OK..." Then I couldn't get hold of him to ask him for the info I needed to take over. I called the venue to ask them what was going on, and they said they didn't know. Whilst talking to me, they managed to raise the promotor on a chat client. The venue guy sounded confused... but willing to continue. But it became apparent as we were talking that the promotor had put a door price of $12 on their website for the Hobart show. I heard it happen, then and there... we were talking, and then there was a pause... the venue knew that it was a Thursday show, where there had been inadequate postering/press, from a relatively obscure Japanese act. The venue had not set the door price, and the promotor had committed the venue to charging $12, thereby making it impossible for venue to make money from the show. And so, the show was cancelled. The promotor had booked the Hobart show - secured us as a support act - but he hadn't promoted it on the ground, and he did not book the airline tickets. It's like he never really committed to the show. He could pull out: after all, he hadn't booked any tickets.

Well, I sure as hell couldn't!

I was furious. Our non-refundable tickets to Hobart, unpaid days off work, all for nothing... it was highly unlikely that we were going to make money on that show, but to have it cancelled and not even get the experience. I felt de-prioritised. Made me angry and indignant the way that the kid who always gets picked last for teams must feel. Just because I'm from Tasmania... grrrr...

We went down to Hobart, regardless - it was a real toss up... stay, go to work, get paid, maybe get to see Zeni Geva at one of the Melbourne shows, or go down, catch up with Trent, touch base about Vermin to the Earth. I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. So we went. Stayed with Nathan and Sooz (who are both twinkling gems of friends and I'm very excited about their nuptials next year). Saw the besty Rachel, my sister Maddy, Leigh, Elissa, Astro, Christian, Tim P., Mary, Trent, Kristy, Luke R., Gwen, Minnie, Winnie, my Ma, Ross and Tom's Granny and Grandpa. It was tiring, and I was disappointed, so I didn't really feel like I had my best face on. Thank you to everyone who put up with my sour puss. I will remember each of you in my best thoughts.

Back to Melbourne, back to work. Felt pretty good about where I was going with my work. I had been hired to compile nine regional reports to explain some blah blah that Department of Education and Early Childhood Development had undertaken in the last year. There was already a statewide report, so I was charged to make nine regional reports. I thought, well, that they would have wanted me to do nine small reports, with tight, well-collected and verified data. I was a bit concerned that I had not been getting much feedback from my supervisor. Well, to be perfectly honest, I got no feedback at all. The supervisor always seemed busy and unapproachable. When I finally got some feedback, it turned out that the didn't want nine smaller reports. They wanted nine regional reports that exactly mimicked the statewide report. And with one week left until the end of my contract, I managed to whack together one of the nine reports that I should have done. I know, I can't hold myself solely responsible, but I feel very bad about my work. I also feel quite resentful because I don't feel like I was given the tools to succeed by those who should have been guiding my hand. Anyway, last day is on Monday, I will be finishing up that one, lonely report, and turning my back on what has been an awful debacle.

I have been crippled with my recurring knee injury again. Back to physio. I have been laid out in bed for the last 5 weeks pretty much, feeling frustrated like a caged tiger. Getting better is hard work but we're making progress, slowly but surely...

In early October we did a show in Melbourne at the Arthouse. We opened the evening. I think we left people with a very unique flavour - I don't know if people in Melbourne are used to bands like us. Anyway, I thought it was a successful evening for the most part. Leigh came over from Tassie to play, and did an awesome job. Just pounded that bass into oblivion. The other bands that played were 1,000,000 Dead Birds Laughing, Fuck! I'm Dead, and Ruins. All the other bands were ace, and I really enjoyed Ruins. It was great to hang out with Alex properly (a rare chance for we three) and bask in the light of his humour, intellect and enthusiasm. He's a rare creature, our Al'.

In the last couple of weeks Leigh and Elissa had a baby! Archer Lee Wildcat Ritson! What a fantastic handle for a young chap to get. Very excited to get to meet the young man, as I do love prodding other people's babies.

Next we are off to New Zealand for a tour! Meeting up with Sarah and Maria from the Nagoya house promises to be extremely fun, and a great moment to cast my mind over the last five years since we three were all in the same place at the same time. We've also got a show in Tassie on the 23rd of December, so it looks like we'll be in Hobart for Christmas. How surprising! I'm just hoping that we get some work pretty easily when we get back and continue to be able to keep our heads poking out above the water... money's been tight, and I've been feeling the pressure. Still applying for permanent jobs, but no joy yet. I hate job hunting. It's soul destroying. It's been a really tough ride. Jobs, disappointments, injuries...

Hopefully by the next time I write for the blog, the rain will have stopped falling on me.

The Opening of the Victorian Era

Testing, testing... Hello Nagoya? Hello Hobart? Hello Brisbane? Hello Osaka? Hello Melbourne!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, we all evidently are ladies and gentlemen, here in the Victorian era. We've travelled forward in time until we arrived back at the dawn of the 20th century. The Victorian era: scones with jam and cream, unemancipated women, and a dower looking female monarch. Maybe? Maybe not?

We left Tasmania in a similar frenzy of activity as to when we arrived. Slammed the door on house-sitting and low level admin temping and pushed the pedal to the floor up the Midlands. Personally I couldn't wait to get out. The list of things I won't miss about Tassie is longer than the list of things I won't miss about Japan. 10 miles longer. Depressing vibe. High-unemployment. Lack of permanent jobs for a lass like myself. Ever-present threat of abject poverty. Crumby temp jobs. Over-priced food. Over-priced real estate. Over-priced utilities. Crumby weather. Parochialism. Stiflingly familiar. Lack of anonymity. Lack of freedom. Lack of culture. Lack of public transport. Lack of things to do.

Get me out of here now! Get me out of here yesterday!*

*However, I will miss Rachel heaps. I feel like such a douche for not hanging out with her more whilst I was down.

We sailed over on a haunting full moon on an almost glassy, calm Bass Strait. Loved the boat this time (because we had a cabin and I slept the whole damn way). Arrived at the new house, gob-smacked by its loveliness. High ceilings, wooden floors, modern kitchen, plenty of space. A great start to the second Melbourne mission. We're paying a tad more than we were in Osaka, but we're able to have band practice at home, which actually makes up the difference. Went to a few employment agencies. Had to wait a couple of weeks but within three weeks of arriving managed to secure a job for myself (Tom got a job first this time). It's hard, because we did lay down some cold hard to get here, I've had to live on the credit card for a while which never feels good and I'm just about to receive my first pay packet and start clawing my way back to $0. But I feel very optimistic about the beginning of the Victorian era. I'm getting paid exactly twice as much as I was in Tassie to do a job that is inspiring, conceptual, difficult, but over-all, pleasant and well-suited to my qualifications and temperament. There's a list of things I want to do as long as my arm, and I am about to get down and do some of it.

Concert-wise, so far, went to see Bastardfest and Coffins. The Bastardfest line up was Blood Duster (silly grind bastards), Mindsnare (slightly too serious about themselves hardcore), Psychroptic (blistering tech death), Extortion (thrashy heavy hardcore) and The Kill (not my favourite - can't really remember). Liked Extortion a lot. And really getting into some of the newer Psychro tunes. Awesome fun. Saw the perennially friendly Dan McKay, got to do some excited Tassie ex-pat chat. Went to see Coffins (who are wicked death doom from Tokyo) with support from Gospel of the Horns (Venom worship), Cauldron Black Ram (kvlt fat metal), The Day Everything Became Nothing (brutal death), Clagg (sounds like Electric Wizard with Phil Anselmo singing - unfortunate), and Ignviomous (death metal wearing BM pants). I was too late to catch Whitehorse and for that I am a dickhead. Got to see Rob McManus, Rob Mason, and arrange a jam with Nick Warren. Fun times!

Anyway, Mayhem (the very significant Norwegian Black metal band) are playing next week, and if all goes well, I'm gonna try catch that show too.

Thrall's been offered two shows already and looks like we'll be hitting the stage with Ruins at the Arthouse in early October at this rate. Awesome.

Get this:

- I am saving $50 a week so far on groceries because I am not in Tasmania. (Aldi, Victoria Street Richmond, Gangemi Fruit and Vegetable market, Mediterranean supermarket).

- I am getting home 20 minutes earlier and spending $20 less per week on transport because I am not in Tasmania.

- I have attended two concerts so far, seen more than 10 bands. I really enjoyed most of them (which is a pretty good strike rate for a picky bugger like me). Because I've been going out at night, I've not been hitting the turps too much, which also saves me money.

- We are paying exactly the same amount of rent as we were at Napoleon Street five years ago. Five years ago I was working that horrible call centre job with unfixed casual hours, Tom was a student, and our earning potential was significantly less.

Things are looking up! They really are!

On a sad note, Tom's computer got knocked off the table and the screen came off, so, much like when Snowy ibook died for me, Tom's in a similar state of computerless misery. On the upside, he's doing well enough in his job that he will probably be able to replace it very soon. Great things are about to happen, but like any bold move, you have to be brave for a moment first. It's not all worked out perfectly, but I feel pretty good about where we are right now.

To finish this post, I thought I would share my newfound aphorism for you all that I found in a news paper article.

"Look for opportunities to do something better. Accept risk as a necessary evil. It thins out the competition. Goals aren't enough. You need a plan. You need to learn from your mistakes and alter your plan as you go. Don't re-invent the wheel. Learn from others. Make sure the math works. If the math doesn't work neither does the business. Make sure everyone understands the mission. There will be difficult times, but you will work through them. Whining is a waste of time. There will be sacrifices. Work to find a balance. Don't be a financially successful loser. It's not about the income, it's about the outcome."

Off into the distance once more...

Slipstream

Gonna put out the washing in a minute...

Gonna put out the washing in a minute...

We're leaving. Again. Thought I would have mastered the art by now. But no.

Had lunch yesterday with Sallie B. and just felt like I was a whirlwind. Came in the door, threw the furniture about a bit in a torrent of quick catch up, and bustled out again within 30 minutes. Had tea yesterday with Maddy, Mindy and Hol's. Again, did feel a bit like the quick in-and-out, take-no-prisoners, bank-robber-type interaction rather than visitor. Everything turns into a swirl of colour and motion, some of it feels kind of stiff.

Gonna put the washing out in a minute...

The last week of being in a place is so hard. You have so much to do, and everyone, and I mean EVERYONE wants to catch up. People you haven't seen since Primary School come out of the wood work, acquaintances, avowed enemies, people you haven't even met, EVERYONE, I mean, EVERYONE. My sister suggested that maybe I should try just skipping town without telling anyone, but that would feel kind of cruel. But then again, catching up with people and being lame, tired and grumpy, is that any better?

Not sure.

OK, gonna put the washing out so I can actually explain how we got from there to here.

Right, washing out, next load on, where was I?

What happened was:

When we got back we said to people: "we don't plan to be here for long. We expect to move to Melbourne by September." Kerry and Dave (our repeat visitors in Japan and now good friends) had offered for us to crash at theirs when we moved over. However, their landlord had decided to start building something monstrous in their yard, so they decided they didn't want to live there anymore. So we suggested that we all go in on a share-house.

[I know, I know, shut up already... I haven't really enjoyed share-housing much in the past, but to get a foothold in a new town, I thought it'd be worth it, and who knows! It might be one of those terribly functional houses, like living with Emma and Adrian or something...]
Anyway, so Kerry and her sister Sarah (who will also be co-habiting with us) went house hunting. Found something they liked up in West Brun-ahs-wick. We popped in an application thinking "first application, probably won't be approved, but hey, you never try, you'll never know."

AND IT WAS APPROVED.

So then we were like: "Fuck! Better get cracking on the move, because otherwise we're paying rent on a house that we're not living in," and that's the kind of expense I can not afford.

So we called the removalist.

And the removalist took our stuff.

And we quit our jobs (effective tomorrow).

And we packed our car.

And on Monday we get on the boat.

While all of this has been going on, we've played a fairly big show with Psycroptic, Astriaal and Lacerta. It was a pretty good gig. I didn't feel that great about my performance. I was a bit sloppy, kinda overwhelmed by it all. We didn't get to sound-check (why is it always us that gets skipped in the soundcheck?) I mean, we brought the evil, but I would have liked to feel like I planted both of my feet in the landing a bit more, if you get my drift. Anyway, more people got to see us than at the gigs that we played before (metal shows are awesome) and there were quite a few people who came up and said "nice drums" so to all those people, hey, thanks... but I'm usually actually better than that!

Everything has a momentum about it at the moment. We're about to take off again (and after everyone was saying that the Hobart-gravity would catch us and we'd get stuck here again), the band has got some cool shows coming up (managed to wrangle that Zeni Geva support I've been angling for), and signed to Moribund (oh, yeah!), and we're finishing up these stupid jobs we've been stuck in Hobart (don't want to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I think I might be a touch overqualified for Admin Assistant/Reception roles). So over it. Ready for the next adventure. Cock the hammer, and... FIRE!

And so, here we are. Might vacuum the house now.

You can build so much momentum in your life, and you can feel so much inertia at times, and there was a moment there where maybe we might have not just packed up and left again. I mean, I love living in the bush, and I love the air down here. But I don't think I'm ready to admit defeat yet, and coming back to Tassie always feels a bit like back to square one. I didn't go all that way just to come back here! At least, not yet I haven't! Right now I feel like I'm being pulled out of here on the tide, caught in the slipstream of my own life. It's kinda cool, and kinda scary, but definitely feels like I'm getting some kind of direction happening here...