Uncertainty and certainty

I've not posted for some time now. I suppose it's the nature of where I've been at for the last couple of months. Day in, day out, day in, day out... even when there are things worth reporting, my heart has been in a bit of a low ebb. Just not feeling the joy. I miss Osaka a lot of the time, and I miss Tassie... Melbourne's been grinding me down a bit. 6 months in, it's almost time to find out how I really feel about being here.

So, the job I was offered just before Christmas came through (yay!), and I am now working as an Executive Assistant in the same government department as before. I guess they must like me. No end date means I can rely on my income being fairly stable (given that I'm paid by the hour and don't get paid on public holidays). It's good. I've applied for one permanent full-time job recently, but if I don't get it, I won't be too worried. We won't die.

But Tom's not been working much, and I've been having to pay double rent. It's a strain. And I've managed (though fiscal discipline) to pay off the credit card that got run up when neither of us were working over the Christmas break, but it's left me in a sort of pessimistic kind of mind-space. Working and not feeling like you get to enjoy the spoils is pretty depressing. On the weekends I have been having trouble even getting out of bed. Just feeling lethargic and negative.

I often think of the nature of place, and I wonder if I'll ever find a place where I will feel like I can thrive. Is Melbourne going to be that place? I'm not convinced.

So, things other than my refusal to move on weekends:

- Tom's been swimming and doing weights whilst job hunting and has whittled himself down to a very fine profile. I have been doing "trial offers" at a whole bunch of gyms. Annoys the hell out of the gym sales staff when they realise that they'll never be able to turn that into a full membership, but hey, you want to do a trial offer, you've got to expect some tyre kickers.

- We went to the zoo the other weekend. I saw lots of cool snakes and fishies and monkeys. I liked the lesser panda. However, whilst I was taking a photo of some giant tortoises having sex (funny!) a rather large insect landed on the hand that was holding the camera. And so I had a reaction to flick the insect off my hand, and accidentally threw my camera quite forcefully on to the pavement. The insect was unharmed. The camera, however, did not survive. Goodbye camera #3.

- We played at the Sydney Armageddon Festival.

It was rad.

We got pulled in when Arkheth were unable to play. We didn't get to be on the colourful poster I'm afraid. However, we got to meet some really interesting people, make some good connections for future shows and so on. Lots of people attended. It was a pretty big show. I didn't think we played especially well. The mix didn't seem to work very well for the first couple of songs, but the mixer got it toward the middle of the set and we thrashed it out well enough. We made enough money to cover our transport and still have $2.50 each at the end of the day. Which, considering we're independent musicians, is a fucking miracle.

Sydney fucking loves its black metal. Who would have thought?

Leigh flew to Melbourne on the Thursday night and we took turns driving up to Sydney on the Friday morning. We drove back on Sunday. The car's not been running as well as I would have liked it to. Annoying. On the Saturday during the day it was 40+ºC so we went snorkelling. I saw some cool urchins and little fishies and big fishies. It was great. If I lived in Sydney, I'd go to the beach all the time. Melbourne's not got enough beaches, and it sucks.

We're sort of unsure about being here - if the money's not coming in, it kind of defeats the purpose of living in Melbourne. Melbourne's got gigs to go to, and art to look at. Melbourne's got fashion and shopping and whatever. But if you've got no money then all of that means nothing. If you're not able to afford to go to the gigs, what's the point of living in a city that has gigs?

I think Tom and I want to live here for a few years, save some cash for a house and move back to Tasmania. I miss being able to live among the trees. I've been doing some sums to try and figure out just how much we can throw into our savings when we're both working again. See how it all goes, I suppose. If I live in a shack in the bush, at least I can enjoy the bush. And maybe get a dog. I'd really like to have a puppy.

Tumbling rain

It rains a lot here. I wonder if it rains more here than it does in Tassie? It's good when it rains because it's very dusty in Melbourne a lot of the time. Washes my car for me. Softens up the ground. Rinses the washing. That kind of thing.

So it's raining again today, and I thought I should probably tell y'all about the last few weeks since our last update. It's been an intense time.

The trip to Tassie for the Zeni Geva show... I hardly know where to start to tell you about that one. I was excited about it, that's for sure. After getting Mr Kishino down before for the July Thrall/KK NULL show, I was super pumped to be playing with Zeni Geva. In the days before the show, things slowly began to unravel. The show was supposed to be on Thursday 30 September. On the Sunday before the show I was contacted and asked to arrange the "backline" (instruments for the touring band to play for those of you who are not touring musicians). It was well hard! I don't live in Hobart any more, and people generally don't have great gear in Hobart. After a few emails and phone calls, I had it all pretty much arranged. Then on Wednesday the promotor said that he didn't want to come down anymore, and could I look after the whole show. I felt like "this is unusual, but OK..." Then I couldn't get hold of him to ask him for the info I needed to take over. I called the venue to ask them what was going on, and they said they didn't know. Whilst talking to me, they managed to raise the promotor on a chat client. The venue guy sounded confused... but willing to continue. But it became apparent as we were talking that the promotor had put a door price of $12 on their website for the Hobart show. I heard it happen, then and there... we were talking, and then there was a pause... the venue knew that it was a Thursday show, where there had been inadequate postering/press, from a relatively obscure Japanese act. The venue had not set the door price, and the promotor had committed the venue to charging $12, thereby making it impossible for venue to make money from the show. And so, the show was cancelled. The promotor had booked the Hobart show - secured us as a support act - but he hadn't promoted it on the ground, and he did not book the airline tickets. It's like he never really committed to the show. He could pull out: after all, he hadn't booked any tickets.

Well, I sure as hell couldn't!

I was furious. Our non-refundable tickets to Hobart, unpaid days off work, all for nothing... it was highly unlikely that we were going to make money on that show, but to have it cancelled and not even get the experience. I felt de-prioritised. Made me angry and indignant the way that the kid who always gets picked last for teams must feel. Just because I'm from Tasmania... grrrr...

We went down to Hobart, regardless - it was a real toss up... stay, go to work, get paid, maybe get to see Zeni Geva at one of the Melbourne shows, or go down, catch up with Trent, touch base about Vermin to the Earth. I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. So we went. Stayed with Nathan and Sooz (who are both twinkling gems of friends and I'm very excited about their nuptials next year). Saw the besty Rachel, my sister Maddy, Leigh, Elissa, Astro, Christian, Tim P., Mary, Trent, Kristy, Luke R., Gwen, Minnie, Winnie, my Ma, Ross and Tom's Granny and Grandpa. It was tiring, and I was disappointed, so I didn't really feel like I had my best face on. Thank you to everyone who put up with my sour puss. I will remember each of you in my best thoughts.

Back to Melbourne, back to work. Felt pretty good about where I was going with my work. I had been hired to compile nine regional reports to explain some blah blah that Department of Education and Early Childhood Development had undertaken in the last year. There was already a statewide report, so I was charged to make nine regional reports. I thought, well, that they would have wanted me to do nine small reports, with tight, well-collected and verified data. I was a bit concerned that I had not been getting much feedback from my supervisor. Well, to be perfectly honest, I got no feedback at all. The supervisor always seemed busy and unapproachable. When I finally got some feedback, it turned out that the didn't want nine smaller reports. They wanted nine regional reports that exactly mimicked the statewide report. And with one week left until the end of my contract, I managed to whack together one of the nine reports that I should have done. I know, I can't hold myself solely responsible, but I feel very bad about my work. I also feel quite resentful because I don't feel like I was given the tools to succeed by those who should have been guiding my hand. Anyway, last day is on Monday, I will be finishing up that one, lonely report, and turning my back on what has been an awful debacle.

I have been crippled with my recurring knee injury again. Back to physio. I have been laid out in bed for the last 5 weeks pretty much, feeling frustrated like a caged tiger. Getting better is hard work but we're making progress, slowly but surely...

In early October we did a show in Melbourne at the Arthouse. We opened the evening. I think we left people with a very unique flavour - I don't know if people in Melbourne are used to bands like us. Anyway, I thought it was a successful evening for the most part. Leigh came over from Tassie to play, and did an awesome job. Just pounded that bass into oblivion. The other bands that played were 1,000,000 Dead Birds Laughing, Fuck! I'm Dead, and Ruins. All the other bands were ace, and I really enjoyed Ruins. It was great to hang out with Alex properly (a rare chance for we three) and bask in the light of his humour, intellect and enthusiasm. He's a rare creature, our Al'.

In the last couple of weeks Leigh and Elissa had a baby! Archer Lee Wildcat Ritson! What a fantastic handle for a young chap to get. Very excited to get to meet the young man, as I do love prodding other people's babies.

Next we are off to New Zealand for a tour! Meeting up with Sarah and Maria from the Nagoya house promises to be extremely fun, and a great moment to cast my mind over the last five years since we three were all in the same place at the same time. We've also got a show in Tassie on the 23rd of December, so it looks like we'll be in Hobart for Christmas. How surprising! I'm just hoping that we get some work pretty easily when we get back and continue to be able to keep our heads poking out above the water... money's been tight, and I've been feeling the pressure. Still applying for permanent jobs, but no joy yet. I hate job hunting. It's soul destroying. It's been a really tough ride. Jobs, disappointments, injuries...

Hopefully by the next time I write for the blog, the rain will have stopped falling on me.

The Opening of the Victorian Era

Testing, testing... Hello Nagoya? Hello Hobart? Hello Brisbane? Hello Osaka? Hello Melbourne!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, we all evidently are ladies and gentlemen, here in the Victorian era. We've travelled forward in time until we arrived back at the dawn of the 20th century. The Victorian era: scones with jam and cream, unemancipated women, and a dower looking female monarch. Maybe? Maybe not?

We left Tasmania in a similar frenzy of activity as to when we arrived. Slammed the door on house-sitting and low level admin temping and pushed the pedal to the floor up the Midlands. Personally I couldn't wait to get out. The list of things I won't miss about Tassie is longer than the list of things I won't miss about Japan. 10 miles longer. Depressing vibe. High-unemployment. Lack of permanent jobs for a lass like myself. Ever-present threat of abject poverty. Crumby temp jobs. Over-priced food. Over-priced real estate. Over-priced utilities. Crumby weather. Parochialism. Stiflingly familiar. Lack of anonymity. Lack of freedom. Lack of culture. Lack of public transport. Lack of things to do.

Get me out of here now! Get me out of here yesterday!*

*However, I will miss Rachel heaps. I feel like such a douche for not hanging out with her more whilst I was down.

We sailed over on a haunting full moon on an almost glassy, calm Bass Strait. Loved the boat this time (because we had a cabin and I slept the whole damn way). Arrived at the new house, gob-smacked by its loveliness. High ceilings, wooden floors, modern kitchen, plenty of space. A great start to the second Melbourne mission. We're paying a tad more than we were in Osaka, but we're able to have band practice at home, which actually makes up the difference. Went to a few employment agencies. Had to wait a couple of weeks but within three weeks of arriving managed to secure a job for myself (Tom got a job first this time). It's hard, because we did lay down some cold hard to get here, I've had to live on the credit card for a while which never feels good and I'm just about to receive my first pay packet and start clawing my way back to $0. But I feel very optimistic about the beginning of the Victorian era. I'm getting paid exactly twice as much as I was in Tassie to do a job that is inspiring, conceptual, difficult, but over-all, pleasant and well-suited to my qualifications and temperament. There's a list of things I want to do as long as my arm, and I am about to get down and do some of it.

Concert-wise, so far, went to see Bastardfest and Coffins. The Bastardfest line up was Blood Duster (silly grind bastards), Mindsnare (slightly too serious about themselves hardcore), Psychroptic (blistering tech death), Extortion (thrashy heavy hardcore) and The Kill (not my favourite - can't really remember). Liked Extortion a lot. And really getting into some of the newer Psychro tunes. Awesome fun. Saw the perennially friendly Dan McKay, got to do some excited Tassie ex-pat chat. Went to see Coffins (who are wicked death doom from Tokyo) with support from Gospel of the Horns (Venom worship), Cauldron Black Ram (kvlt fat metal), The Day Everything Became Nothing (brutal death), Clagg (sounds like Electric Wizard with Phil Anselmo singing - unfortunate), and Ignviomous (death metal wearing BM pants). I was too late to catch Whitehorse and for that I am a dickhead. Got to see Rob McManus, Rob Mason, and arrange a jam with Nick Warren. Fun times!

Anyway, Mayhem (the very significant Norwegian Black metal band) are playing next week, and if all goes well, I'm gonna try catch that show too.

Thrall's been offered two shows already and looks like we'll be hitting the stage with Ruins at the Arthouse in early October at this rate. Awesome.

Get this:

- I am saving $50 a week so far on groceries because I am not in Tasmania. (Aldi, Victoria Street Richmond, Gangemi Fruit and Vegetable market, Mediterranean supermarket).

- I am getting home 20 minutes earlier and spending $20 less per week on transport because I am not in Tasmania.

- I have attended two concerts so far, seen more than 10 bands. I really enjoyed most of them (which is a pretty good strike rate for a picky bugger like me). Because I've been going out at night, I've not been hitting the turps too much, which also saves me money.

- We are paying exactly the same amount of rent as we were at Napoleon Street five years ago. Five years ago I was working that horrible call centre job with unfixed casual hours, Tom was a student, and our earning potential was significantly less.

Things are looking up! They really are!

On a sad note, Tom's computer got knocked off the table and the screen came off, so, much like when Snowy ibook died for me, Tom's in a similar state of computerless misery. On the upside, he's doing well enough in his job that he will probably be able to replace it very soon. Great things are about to happen, but like any bold move, you have to be brave for a moment first. It's not all worked out perfectly, but I feel pretty good about where we are right now.

To finish this post, I thought I would share my newfound aphorism for you all that I found in a news paper article.

"Look for opportunities to do something better. Accept risk as a necessary evil. It thins out the competition. Goals aren't enough. You need a plan. You need to learn from your mistakes and alter your plan as you go. Don't re-invent the wheel. Learn from others. Make sure the math works. If the math doesn't work neither does the business. Make sure everyone understands the mission. There will be difficult times, but you will work through them. Whining is a waste of time. There will be sacrifices. Work to find a balance. Don't be a financially successful loser. It's not about the income, it's about the outcome."

Off into the distance once more...